The Voices In My Head: Harper Lee Weinstock

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A COLLECTION OF COLUMNS BY HARPER LEE WEINSTOCK

The Sky Is Falling!

Harper Lee Weinstock

The other morning, I was sitting at my kitchen table eating my usual bowl of generic cereal (Crispy Hexagons, to be exact), when the national news came on TV. The top stories of the day were:

"A giant, killer asteroid is headed toward Earth, and American hog farmers are demanding that manufacturers of pork and beans remove that little hunk of pork from the can, leaving just 'and beans.' Details after the weather..."

WHAT??!! This can't be true! Don't these people know that pork and beans make up two of my favorite food groups?! What's next, getting rid of the Weinies and leaving just the Beanies? I won't stand for this! I'll... hang on, did they also say something about a giant, killer asteroid headed toward Earth? AAHHH!!! You know what that means? A run on pork and beans! Quick, where are my carkeys? I've gotta get to Foodland!!

Not an actual photograph

After making sure my pantry was fully stocked with P&B's, I settled back down and considered the other news of the day. What were they talking about? Oh yeah, a giant, killer asteroid headed for Earth. Hmm, that could be a problem. I usually don't put much stock into such stories of impending doom unless they involve the SWAT Team and one of my relatives (at our last family reunion the FBI cut the power to the compound), but this story peaked my interest. A giant, killer asteroid zooming toward Earth: I didn't take the time to calculate the odds, but the way my luck goes, I knew that sucker was probably going to land on top of my house. I ran outside and looked up at the sky. Nothing. No giant, killer asteroid. Just blue sky and puffy, white clouds. And one damn bird...

Relieved that Rancho Del Weinstock was not about to become toast, I went back inside to hear the rest of the story. What's that? The giant, killer asteroid isn't going to hit the Earth until the year 2028. Well, why didn't you say so? That's in thirty years. I'll be dead by then. Let my kids worry about the giant, killer asteroid because I've got better things to do. I helped myself to another bowl of Crispy Hexagons and went off into the den to watch "Gomer Pyle."

Of course, the next day NASA scientists announced that the giant, killer asteroid was really just a giant "gonna miss us by 600,000 miles" asteroid. All was well, the world's supply of pork and beans safe. Still, I wonder what I would have done had that asteroid really been about to hit this big rock we call home? I'd have skipped that second bowl of cereal, that's for sure. Beyond that, who knows.

What would you do if you thought the Earth was about to become a floating ashtray? Consider the following chronology of what could have happened that fateful day. Only the facts have been changed to protect the ignorant.


Dateline: March 12, 1998
07:15 am EST
From ABC News in New York

"We interrupt this program to bring you this breaking news story: The International Astronomical Union has reported that an asteroid measuring one mile-wide will pass within 30,000 miles of Earth and may very well hit the planet, possibly ending life as we know it. The IAU is appealing to astronomers and scientists around the world to study the asteroid called 1997 XF11 in hopes of obtaining more information about its size and orbit. If the asteroid is, in fact, on a collision course with Earth, IAU scientists say there is nothing we can do but pray. And now, another review of the movie, "Titanic!"

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON REACTS
08:22 am EST
White House Press Room, Washington, DC

"I'd like to start out by saying that I never had a sexual relationship with that asteroid..."

HILLARY CLINTON REACTS
08:24 am EST
White House Press Room, Washington, DC

"This is just another part of the rightwing conspiracy designed to make my husband look like an idiot!"

BORIS YELTZIN REACTS
10:10 am EST
The Kremlin, Moscow, Russia

"Bring me more vodka, dammit! And pork and beans! Lots of pork and beans!"

THE POPE REACTS
11:04 am EST
Vatican City, Rome, Italy

"No, I do not think this giant, killer asteroid is a sign that the Apocalypse is at hand. I think if the Good Lord was ready to wipe the Earth clean he could find something better to use than a big space rock."

BILL GATES REACTS
01:52 pm EST
Microsoft Headquarters, Redmond, WA

"Asteroid? Funny that you ask. Microsoft has been working on an asteroid of its own for some time now. We were going to release the beta version the very morning the news of this other asteroid broke. I think that once the consumer tries Microsoft's Asteroid 98 and sees that it is far deadlier than the giant, killer asteroid that's headed toward Earth, they will discover that once again, Microsoft has the superior product."

STEVEN SPIELBERG REACTS
02:39 pm EST
Dreamworks Studios, Hollywood, CA

"I am pleased to announce that we have acquired the movie rights from the giant, killer asteroid and shooting will commence sometime this summer. Cast members will be named as soon as we see who survives the impact."

DR. BEECHWOOD A. JING
05:30 pm EST (Happy Hour)
South Hampton Institute of Technology

"In the words of the late Mary Kay Abandondo, the world's very first airline stewardess, 'Ladies and gentlemen, if all else fails, please put your head between your knees and kiss your butt goodbye!' Hey, bartender, can I get some more peanuts over here?"

PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE
08:00 pm EST
The Oval Office, Washington, DC

"My fellow Americans, since it seems that we are all doomed anyway, I thought this would be a good time to get a few things off my chest. In regards to Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky and a whole slew of other women I have been accused of having sex with, I just want to say--"

BREAKING NEWS REPORT
08:01 pm EST
From ABC News in New York

"We interrupt the President's press conference for this important announcement: NASA scientists have just announced that the asteroid known as 1997 XF11 will not collide with the earth, after all. Astronomers say that initial reports were incorrect and that the asteroid will come no closer than 600,000 miles from Earth when it passes by. To repeat, the Earth is not doomed. Resume your normal lives. We now return you to the President's press conference in Washington."

RETURN TO PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE
08:02 pm EST
The Oval Office, Washington, DC

"Uh... nevermind."

Read last week's column: Gimme A Head With Hair