The Voices In My Head: Harper Lee Weinstock

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A COLLECTION OF COLUMNS BY HARPER LEE WEINSTOCK

Who cracked my crystal ball?

Harper Lee Weinstock

It seems like an awful lot of people are asking my opinion these days, usually about things on which I have no opinion to give. They ask my take on international politics, global warming, the overseas stock markets, the future of the Eurodollar, the latest Calvin Klein fragrance, and a whole slew of other topics that I know little, if anything, about. Even my wife wants to know what I think. She's always asking things like, "Honey, does this make me look fat?" It doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's only one correct response to that question.

He sees all, hears all, ignores most

So the evidence is clear: either my humble opinion really does count to a lot of people or I just have a lot of people snowed. I'm leaning toward the latter since it requires far less effort on my part.

Most of these misguided folks seek my opinion for no other reason than I write this column. They think that because I can string together a couple of thousand words in a semi-coherent manner on a weekly basis, what I think must have some relevance to the world. Truth be told, most weeks this column writes itself. In fact, I don't consider myself a writer so much as a cranky chronicler of life, a benign bystander, an existential fly on the wall. I just sit on the sidelines and take note of what's happening around me, then I run it through a spell checker and report it to you. Think of me as the hall monitor in the Big School of Life. By the way, where's your hall pass?

While most people ask my opinion on current events, others want to know what I think about things that haven't even happened yet, like I'm some kind of psychic hotline operator. "Who do you think the next president will be?" they ask. "Do you think North and South Korea will ever unite? Do you think there will ever be an Irish Pope? Do you think Prince Charles' ears can get any bigger? Do you think the new Barbie will be able to wear the old Barbie's clothes?"

Since so many people seem to think that I can see into the future, not to mention that we are on the threshold of the new year, I decided to put my psychic abilities to the test. After all, I had nothing to lose and the answers to many questions to gain. Questions like: Can I really see into the future? Do I really possess the gift of foresight? If I really can see into the future, what's the best way to make a fast buck off such an ability, and more importantly, will it help me remember where I left my carkeys?

I put myself in a deep, hypnotic trance by watching an entire episode of "Baywatch" with the sound turned down, then I closed my eyes and let the visions come. For a while, all I could see was water and red bathing suits, but finally the waves did part and the future became clear.

Here, then, are my top ten predictions for the coming year:

Lisa Marie Presley will announce that she is pregnant with exhusband Michael Jackson's child. Though it is unclear whether the baby will be a boy or girl, it will be born with interchangeable parts, just like its daddy.
Speaking of Michael Jackson, the Gaudy Gloved One will decide to have a sex change operation by the end of the year. Confused doctors will announce that such surgery isn't an option for Jackson because they can't determine what sex he/she/it is now.
At the 1998 Governors' Ball held at the White House, Alabama Governor Fob James will experience a painful attack of intestinal gas while dancing with Hillary Clinton. Footage of the attack will be aired on newscasts around the country, sparking a dance craze that proves even more popular than the Macarena. In the words of "Soul Train" host Don Cornelius, "Everybody be doin' the Fob!"
It will be proven that President Bill Clinton was not only involved in Whitewater and illegal campaign fundraising, but was also instrumental in the creation of the Arch Deluxe.
Due to the lack of viable candidates to run in the next presidential election, the Republican Party will attempt to revive the political career of Ronald Reagan. The fact that he is suffering from Altzheimer's will be considered by many to be a political plus.
Microsoft head Bill Gates will consider entering politics, but will change his mind after failing to get the office of "God of Earth and Hellfire" added to the national ballot.
In a move that shocks the religious world, Pope John Paul will resign the papacy and begin a successful career as a stand-up comic. He will land his own sitcom on the Fox network called, "Chico and the Pope." Jimmy Smits will play the role of Chico.
Disgraced TV preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert are cast in a remake of the old sitcom, "Bosom Buddies." Jim and Jimmy play two God-fearing men living in a house filled with beautiful women. Neither role is considered a stretch.
Basketball great Michael Jordan's squeaky-clean image will be tarnished this year when it's revealed that he isn't really bald.
A popular internet humor columnist with the initials HLW will win fame and fortune with the publication of his book, "Men Are From Venus, Women Are From Over Yonder."

Well, what do you know, those folks were right. I can see into the future, after all. Or maybe it was all just a dream brought on by that beer and Polish sausage sandwich I had while trancing out on Baywatch. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed this week's column because I was charging you $3.99 a minute.

Hey, even a psychic's gotta eat.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Read last week's column: I Hope You Kept The Receipt