The Voices In My Head: Harper Lee Weinstock

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A COLLECTION OF COLUMNS BY HARPER LEE WEINSTOCK

The Unsinkable Harper Lee

Harper Lee Weinstock

Anyone out there old enough to remember 'The Omega Man,' the 1971 film starring Charlton Heston as Colonel Robert Neville, the last "normal" man on earth? You remember, everyone else on the planet had been turned into deranged albino-mutants by some kind of deadly moon radiation. It was based on a true story, I think.

Anyway, the deranged albino-mutants were always chasing Col. Neville because he refused to conform to their ways. They made his life a living heck (as if being the last normal man on Earth wasn't pressure enough) and in the end, killed him in the town square. Scary stuff, my friends, especially for me, for I am The Modern Day Omega Man. That's right, I am the last man left on earth who has not seen the movie, 'Titanic.' And like Col. Neville, I am constantly being hounded by an obnoxious group of deranged albino-mutants. Only there was no deadly moon radiation this time. These deranged mutants look like albinos because their skin hasn't seen the light of day since the movie 'Titanic" came out.

Beware the deadly Titaniacs!

I call them "Titanic-Fanatics" or "Ti-taniacs" for short. Their numbers are legion and they are EVERYWHERE! Your spouse may be a Titaniac, or your kids -- maybe even some of your friends and coworkers (quick, look behind you!!). You may have a hard time spotting them at first because Titaniacs often look like normal human beings, but eventually their dimentia rolls to the surface and the all-out assault begins.

"Have you seen 'Titanic' yet? You haven't? What's wrong with you? You HAVE to see it! I've seen it twelve times already and I'm going to see it again! 'Titanic' is the best movie ever! It's such a wonderful love story! And Leonardo DiCaprio is soooooo cuuuuuuute!"

Mom, please, enough already. Go take one of your pills and lie down.

My oldest daughter has seen "Titanic" five times and is one of the most deranged Titaniacs you'll ever meet. She keeps trying to lure me into the fold, but I keep resisting. The last time I let her drag me to a theater I spent two torturous hours watching 'Spice World' (she had convinced me that it was the long-awaited sequel to 'Dune'). There was me and one other guy in the theater amid four hundred screaming, little girls. And the funny thing is, I knew the guy from the PTA. We noticed each other just before the lights went out, then quickly looked away, as if we'd just seen each other in a strip club on a day we had both called in sick for work. I saw him at the next PTA meeting. We nodded to each other, but didn't say a word. Ours was a silent bond of shame. Never again would we speak of what we'd done. And never again would I let my darling daughter drag me to another movie.

"Please, dad," she whines every weekend. "Take me to see 'Titanic."

"You're ten now," I always say. "Take your mom's car and go."

"D-a-a-a-ad, please! I have to see it again!"

"Isn't 'Titanic' a really long movie?"

With a wistful sigh, she says, "Just three hours and fifteen minutes."

"What? You're telling me they had three hours and fifteen minutes before the ship went under and they couldn't round up a few extra flotation devices? Why didn't they get some Hefty bags and fill them with air like McGyver? Or tie a bunch of milk jugs together with fishing line?"

"D-a-a-a--a-a-a-a-d..."

"Too bad they didn't have the Professor from 'Gilligan's Island' with them, huh. In three hours and fifteen minutes he could've rebuilt the entire ship out of ear wax and used popsicle sticks." I let her stew on that one for a minute, then I asked, "So what happens at the end of this great movie? Do they live happily ever after?"

"No," she says with a tear in her eye. "Leonardo and Kate are in the water, but Leonardo dies."

"Why doesn't Kate die?"

"Because she's on a piece of wood and he's in the freezing water."

"Why isn't she in the water?" I asked.

She gives me her best "duh" look and says, "Dad, she's a girl!"

I guess there is no such thing as equality among the sexes when it comes to major maritime disasters. (Note to myself: never go out on a boat with oldest daughter again.)

"Dad, please!" she goes on. "Take me to see it! You'll really like it. And Leonardo DiCaprio is sooooo cuuuuute!"

"I know, your grandma already told me. Now, go take one of her pills and lie down."

She's pretty convincing, but so far I've managed to resist the siren's call. Besides, 'Titanic' has made over a bazillion dollars and been nominated for umpteen Oscars. I don't think it's going to be pulled from theaters just because I don't see it. Even without having spent three hours of my life watching the big boat go down, I feel as if I'm overdosing on all the hype. You can't turn on the TV these days without seeing the movie's twelve- year- old star, Leonardo DiCaprio, giving an interview. Okay, he's probably older than 12, but not by much. I'm thinking fifteen, at the max. And if I hear that damn theme song one more time I'm going to personally hunt down Celine Dion and duct tape her mouth shut.

The real reason I don't want to see 'Titanic' is because I have it on pretty good authority that, special effects aside, it's really just another one of those mushy girl movies masquerading as an action-adventure flick. For 'Titanic' to appeal to "normal" guys like Col. Robert Neville and I, the Leonardo DiCaprio part would have to be recast with Bruce Willis. And in the role of the rich bad guy, Christopher Walken, of course! And don't forget Demi Moore as the nubile, young heroine with a penchant for dancing naked on the poop deck!

Now that, my friends, is a movie I'd pay to see.

Read last week's column: The Sky Is Falling!