The Voices In My Head: Life in the Trailer Park

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RAMBLIN'S OF BILLY JOE BOB "BUDDY" HALSEY

Rangin' out the old...

Billy Joe Bob "Buddy" Halsey

As usual, New Year's Eve in the park was more fun than runnin' naked through a Junior League dinner. For the tenth year in a row (except for '89, when he was in jail on a DUI charge) Big Buster Haley held the party at his doublewide. This year's theme was, "Come as you are, just brang beer."

Last year, Midge Smoot was the official hostess for the shindig. Midge is that divorced widow that lives with her boyfriend, Earl, and his six kids two trailers down from mine. Seems her and Earl got into a brawl last year about who was gonna keep her tips from dancin' at the Bungalow Club (it's world famous, you know), so she left him and temporarily moved in with Buster. Her heartbreak didn't keep her down for long 'cause at the party she was loaded for bear.

Midge dressed up as the Baby New Year, complete with a Depends diaper and what looked like giant pacifier pasties. She spent the whole evenin' threatenin' to squirt anybody that moved. That Midge, she could make a funeral fun.

Fast Eddie Honeycutt, the retired Chrysler worker that rents the trailer 'cross from mine, showed up wearin' a Santy Claus outfit. Under his arm, he was carryin' that stuffed deer head he keeps over his fake fireplace. Everybody was havin' a good time till Eddie and Buster tied up in a fist fight out in the yard. Seems Eddie was saying, "Ho ho ho," and Buster thought he was callin' Midge names. I went out there and sprayed them with the garden hose and we all ended up laughin' like a bunch of hyenas with their tails tied together.

We all gathered around Buster's bigscreen TV at midnight, countin' down the seconds with that Dick Clark fellow. At midnight, Buster yelled, "He's droppin' his ball!" I grabbed Bootsie and planted one on her, then so did most of the other guys at the party. Bootsie was saved when Midge jumped up on the coffeetable and yelled, "Who wants to change my diaper?" That Midge, what a card.

We all started to sing that "Old Angus Died" song, but nobody could remember the words, so Fast Eddie led everyone in a rousing rendition of "Friends in Low Places" instead. It was a New Year's Eve to remember. I expect this year to be even better.

Now it's time to make some New Year's revolutions. Last year I swore that I would be more patient with my young'uns and not to use Bootsie's good drawers to wash the truck no more. This year, I'm really goin' out on a limb. Here's my revolutions for the new year.

Number One: I will not leave my dirty socks on the stove no more when the eyes are on (It wasn't so much the smoke that bothered everybody. It was the smell).

Number Two: If'n I plan on stayin' out drankin' with the boys, I promise to call Bootsie ahead of time so she can have my clothes throwed out on the lawn by the time I get home.

Number Three: I promise to be a better human bein', be more considerate of my fellow man, and do all I can to promote world peace and harmony.

That last one I just threw in as a joke, so don't hold me to it.

Till next time, friends and neighbors, this is Billy Joe Bob "Buddy" Halsey remindin' you that writin' yer name in the dirt with your son is what Dr. Spock referred to as quality time.

Happy New Year, everybody!

Read about Buddy's mission to Reclaim Cracker.