The Voices In My Head: Harper Lee Weinstock

The Voices In My Head website and all material contained herein is the creation of writer/cartoonist Tim Knox and his various alter egos.

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A COLLECTION OF COLUMNS BY HARPER LEE WEINSTOCK

If Microsoft Was In Alabama

Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally, you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!" "Naw" or "Git" instead of "Yes" "No" or "Cancel".
Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
Instead of "Start Me Up" the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart."
Power Point would be named "ParPawnt."
Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++."
Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
Instead of "VP" Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

Read this week's column: When Great Minds Meet